My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
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I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol