Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*

White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE

If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”

Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

The inventor of perforated paper has died.

RIP

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.

me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today

platter of various cheeses:

Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

584.

microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks

The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

[second date]

“April Fools”

*gets up and leaves

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?