My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
