My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
