My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
