Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.

Hamburger Hinderer.

Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.

Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.

1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later

2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants

My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now

*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*

*burns neck with curling iron*

*stabs scalp with bobby pin*

*gets hairspray in eyes*

*wears hair in ponytail*

ㅤ

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

Homeschooling day 3

Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.

Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.

Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me

“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”

year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again

How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

[dinner party]

GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.

ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?

[everyone slowly turns their head]

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It