Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans

Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000

Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024

Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!

ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.

My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?

Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.

Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!

Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.