Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”

It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.

It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.

5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?

How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

And that about sums it up.

No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.