My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
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My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
handsome & gretel
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Accidentally followed a psychiatric account. Oh well… now I’m committed.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?