My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
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People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence
Lmfao
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.