My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
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CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Ha.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.