My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
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Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Here to help
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
