My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
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when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
thanksgiving in nutshell
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Roses are red
Pizza sauce is too
I ordered a large
And none of its for you
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*