my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
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INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
This was the best day of my life
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew