Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”

“No.”

Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful

computer: enter new password

me: munster

computer: password must be stronger

me: limburger

computer: stronger

me: Jake Paul

computer: stronger

me: AxeBodySpray

computer: password is too strong

Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked

The Shining is on…

…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.

son: how did I get my name

me: *holds up baby name book*

son: ugh terrible

me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon

Become ungovernable.

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop

Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times

[INTERVIEW]

HR: What are your strengths?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

HR: Wow-Weaknesses?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset

A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.

‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

therapist: what’s on your mind

me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?