Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

The comment ads on twitter are so trippy

“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”

I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

A friend who’s a former British military officer told me that when he was training soldiers in jungle warfare they were taught that if they got lost in the jungle, the first thing they should do was to brew a cup of tea and think about what to do next.

wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)

I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“

My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE

“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂