My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
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Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.