My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.
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A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit