My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.
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I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
mood
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.