Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…

[another scientist who worked on the project] me too

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.

I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.

ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.

I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg

Finally, an explanation.

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday

imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner

Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.