My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
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I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy