Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…

Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.

Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.

Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.

“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

Am I having a stroke?

55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters

I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.

A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”

Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?

Me: 69.

Interviewer: That’s not even close.

Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”

If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors

She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”

– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong

Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran

ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

me: you know what I need?

body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?

me: another coffee.

body: you mother fu-

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?

Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.

Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.