Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.

Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus

Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄

Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.

In other news, I just got a free case of beer.

I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo

LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’

The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

her: i only date woke guys

me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia

Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency

Me: I’m being held prisoner

Dispatch: Do they have weapons?

Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords

Dispatch: Umm ok

Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks

Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children

Me: …….Maybe.

Dispatch: 5th one today

You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.