My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
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Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out