My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
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If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
favorite tropes as memes
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Yup
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
im gay on my mothers side
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.