My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
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[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.