My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
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Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
A sick whale is called an unwhale
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Seems legit
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]