Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack

[cockroach crawls by]

Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?

*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*

Me: Not that one.

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.

I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.

– me flirting

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it