My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
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Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.