My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
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me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.