My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
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My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I’m too immature for adultery.