Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.

My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.

Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

I love the word placebo, but it lacks something

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”

professor X: what’s your power?

me:

professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

Personal question. #JustSaying

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.