My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
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to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
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If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
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Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
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Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.