My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
You Might Also Like
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Brands during Pride
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!