Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: hey, do u come here often?

ME: all the time

HER: do u know if the bartender is single?

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun

i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.

Therapist: Go to your happy place

Me: Ok

Therapist: Good, where are you?

Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins

Therapist: I’m sorry, what?

Me: The beach, I said the beach

pirate: walk the plank

someone’s dad: is this teak?

*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing

My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said

Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?

And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.