There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
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I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?