Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

me: do you sell ducks?

him: yes, but they’re going quick

me: ok I’ll take one

[later]
duck: quick
me: I see

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

Creepy-crawlies

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions

Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”

Me: “The kids did.”

H: “Are you sure?”

Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”

H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”

Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing

I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer

No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.

Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in

Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.

A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

Facebook memories be like

Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom