Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

This could be us, but you weedin’.

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.

when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

I will always post cat eating corn when I see it

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore

pal: what’s your favorite band

me: idk probably rubber

I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!

Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.

Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling

Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half

Me: I’ll do it

Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily

Me: *crying* He’s good

Wife: What

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

(3 minutes into a hunger strike)

Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace