My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
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I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking