wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
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The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Wanna hear me read a receipt from a trip to the grocery store?
That’s how interested I am in listening to the details of your workout.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
He told me he wants my heart
“Sharon I’m pretty sure he’s a serial killer”
*later on with guy*
Wow you’re really into bondage huh?
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to eat your sandwiches.
friend: we’re worried ur on drugs
salvador dali: why i’m not at all
friend: ur paintings dont make sense
dali: how does this fat elephant with tall skinny legs not make sense
dali: can i borrow ten dollars
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]