My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
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Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
How times have changed.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.