My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
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Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Hot hot hot 🥵
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
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First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭