My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
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The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Actually cracking up @ this
This hospital has everything
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”