My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”
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oh you like architecture? name three walls
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime