My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”
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Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
😂😂
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
No regrets in 2018
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add