My neighbor is having a nice party with loud music and everyone is having fun I should call the cops

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God: I made a rainbow!

Devil: I’m making all the fire alarm batteries die in the middle of the night.



DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know


My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.


*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh


What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression


Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER


AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.


Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you’re no detective.


Randomly play a recording of a candy bar wrapper being opened just to keep your kids on their toes.