The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
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“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
plant them where lol
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.