THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
You Might Also Like
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39