Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”

– Midnight, a church friend

55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”

one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now

Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.

When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.

What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?

Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?

my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?