My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
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On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head