My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
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me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Most Common Source of Electricity
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules