My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
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My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself