My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
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To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves