Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you

if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign

I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents

*returns shopping cart*

“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”

If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth

Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.

A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂

Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel

Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you

For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio

10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool

There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

Hubs: If you could sleep with…

Me: THOR!!!

Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.

Me: Ohhhh…