my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
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date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell