Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3yo: I need you to fix this.

Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.

3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.

Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

PLEASE READ

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.

My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

I may be small, but so is a grenade.

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

“I Got a new dress for date night!”

Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*

“This is the garment bag you idiot”

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.