Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [putting socks on after sex]

her: now you have two pairs on

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs

The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?

Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?

6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.

Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.

Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs

Google: do you have any enemies?

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!

Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”

I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.

“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island

I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me

I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.