Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.

…No, YOU shut up.

My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.

evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts

Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”

My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

Did a trash talking tree write this?

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…

Therapist: Is this true?

Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.

Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…