Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

incredible google review i just found

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.

My math is correct, just ask any parent.

Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.

According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”

I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.

WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.

TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*

Many many moons ago:

Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year

Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”

I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
⁣