My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
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You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
The French cow says MEUX…
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
This one’s “Alex”.
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[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both