My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
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ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”