My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
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The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Monday Lisa
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol