My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
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Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
All your better biblical epics have one thing in common: no skimping on the camel budget.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”