My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
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Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about