my neighbor is so annoying he keeps texting me things like “my cat is missing” and “i can see my cat in your window” shut the fuck up bill
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When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Hotels are back
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.