my neighbor is so annoying he keeps texting me things like “my cat is missing” and “i can see my cat in your window” shut the fuck up bill
You Might Also Like
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I put the I in Insufferable.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.