Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]

me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen

hitman:

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

A leaf blower, but for people.

E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

[police station]

Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Cop: *mumbling* am not.

If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?

Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.

Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

Me: can you spell wonton backwards?

Friend: not now !

They got Raph!

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too

I think about this cartoon a lot.

By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.

Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?

Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.

I know this now.

*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.