my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
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I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.