my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
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Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭