Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.

ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you

when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.

now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec

[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna

If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi

[army training]

Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed

Me: I want you to make me a better person

Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now

I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store

Fog is like lingerie for the sky.

a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

‘I know a black person’

– White people

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.

ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”

villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!

dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-

frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*

dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys