Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

[GRAND CANYON]

WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?

ME: It’s ok.

WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?

ME: I don’t want to talk about it

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP

2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank

1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered

Whoa… oh I see lol

CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!

ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.

EXCALIBUR: Ok

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

Apparently, all that was left was da brie.

***ba dum tissssss***

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.