My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
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Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Stick it to the man
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”