My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
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Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid