Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive

I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?

Teenage me: definitely.

30s me: Wait, what

do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list

me: *writes* ‘chicken’

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*

I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train

I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice