The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
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[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,