My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
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Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?