My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
You Might Also Like
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.